19. The Come Up

(Poem)

A poem I wrote about 6 months ago, "Someone once told me your poems don't start until you start telling the truth.. So I consider this my first poem. " I have many true poems saved up. But I think to be performed would be better, look out for me on the stage soon. Until then.. 

Distance over Depth. 

Distance was not the issue so stop making it your excuse.

Tryna keep it 3hunna but at the same time can't show your boys that you might actually have an arrow carved out of your chest through your back.

Because it wasn't the distance you were afraid of

But the idea of me finding someone better than you

Me discovering that there's more to life than dull conversations and waiting hours for phone calls. 

More than accepting the role of a main because "it's ok he knows where home is...."

You knew one day I would see that there's more than an occasional good morning text 

while you're having good burning sex 

with a sloth of whom you never intend to speak to again.

You knew if I somehow learned that cursing me out 

And expressing false motives of love was not ok

That I would make like a tree

An "I love you" wasn't enough if it came from the lower half of your body

And though some of these events prove to be false 

The spirit of my heart claims you are guilty and nothing or no one can change my mind

If I somehow discovered a man who didn't want to know what life would be like without me

a man who refused to use distance as an excuse and love as a tool 

To try and nail

Then I could peel the very bit of you still clinging to my heart off and look at it without spite

I hope you never have to hear this poem. 

And that the kids we were suppose to have aren't looking down wondering why mommy's so angry at daddy 

ya see because I used to be PISSED 

because daddy was your moms first love

And he taught her how to love.

He loved her in a sense 

But moms love was that of the uconn women 

And your dad's was something like Baylor.

Still present but not apparent

And I couldn't be loved like that

I refused to be loved in secrecy 

and weep in my blankets 

and wipe my tears with the very ink I wrote for you 

trying to silence my cries so my roomate couldn't hear 

I refused to hold on to a heart that was no longer mine

I'm not bitter I promise

And if you take this the wrong way it just proves even more how we weren't meant to be

Because distance wasn't the issue

I think you were just too scared to love anyone as much as I use to love you.

Now I don't. 

17. Can't Cry

(Poem) 

I haven't cried in so long

I forgot what pain feels like

I haven't spoke to storm

So I forgot what rain feels like

Thoughts in danger like a manitee 

Swimming clues less in a can a tea

So clueless

I question my sanity 

but then I see the marks from my vanity strained in his back

Love so deep 

his broke 

all because we stepped on the cracks

Couldn't avoid the sin

Just had to give in

I mean we knew it was wrong

Knew the path we were on 

spread wider than our legs 

Kayak Rowed 

Yellow road 

rolled out blunt

But the path with few steps 

only a few steps away 

leads to the stairs with more than a few steps 

don't tip toe steps 

you might miss those steps 

the gates few step in 

but a few steps in 

you already see gold roads 

and glory road leading to him 

... And I took the one less traveled by

Chased by the fireman here come the fireman

But I'm gone stay with my main yea because my saviors no hater 

Chased by the devil 

he don't even realize he's covering our tracks with his flames

Look back put them out 

Look at me now 

All we need is H2o and a K cuz we're the fishermen for God 

and he hands us the hook

When you can't sleep 

Lying in bed 

at 12:14 am

Crying cuz the boy who hurt you 

Can't even forgive yourself 

Think of Romans 12:14 

The man who loved you 

says to bless those who hurt you

So what if he left

The homeless man will hug you!

Alysia Harris poems will make you smile

God went the extra mile

Taking steps into souls

His shoes too big to fill 

With grace as his feet 

And your vains the path 

To enter your heart

Penitent from the wrong 

leaves you repentant

from the inveterate sin

But the very tears you just shed 

are the same ones you're drowning in 

If there was no mistakes 

he would have been crucified for nothing

We all sin 

He didn't miss take them 

..

They say they've cried out all their tears

And I use to not see that to be possible

Because I cried myself to sleep so many nights in a row I lost count

The ones I thought I had I couldn't column out the numbers 

Then God said he was there 

All I had to do was call em

Like like Greek architecture 

The columns so unique 

The X I thought was everything 

Caused 11 months of weep

12 hours of insanity

And 13 unlucky thoughts which exhausted me to the fullest

The Roman numerals but the IV keeping me alive 

I pulled out from my flesh .. 

The 4 of us

But I came to realize

Joy was in my soul

I just had to find it 

Like that tip of the tongue phenomenon 

The feeling just appeared

And I cry no more

Because all my trust is in The Lord

When I say I TRUST him I MEAN IT

Tears are unnecessary when I know he would never harm me

Water works don't work 

Katrina mighta broke the Levi 

But it was paid to fix it 

That's why the storm can't make me cry

Nothing can make me cry really

Maybe I shed a first tear or two during the poem for a second or few 

But right at 3rd I somehow knew Jesus put forth his tomb

..And it took 5 to save us

The father

The son 

The spirit

Me

... And you

God is Jesus the son, Uncle Sam, Father Time & Mother Nature. Period.

I'll say niagra falls will never come to my eyes

And they'll say

"what'd you call me?"

I don't think ignorance is bliss

Rather blasphemy if you ask me

Sorta nasty 

Leaves our voice raspy 

Cuz no one wants to hear us speak when it sounds like this

Just like No one wants to hear you speak when you're weak

Except him.

I made him my strength

You've just gotta be fifth harmony 

Put it all in a melody 

Let that sink in 

Open the door

God be the water

We've just gotta drink him 

16. Interlude 1

From the first 15 posts I think it's pretty apparent I am not your average 19 year old girl.

Recently as I was in my hometown, the party of the summer occurred. 

One of my highschool friends convinced me to come incase they needed a designated driver home.

So I showed up, walked in and the first step I had smoke blown in my face from 4 different directions.

I wanted to vomit my morals out right then and there. 

I saw she was ok to drive and I left. 

If you knew me in highschool you know I am familiar with a lot of people and a lot are familiar with me. Not vanity, but when you play basketball in corpus everyone knows you.

When I walked in I saw 18361 people I have not seen since highschool and I realized something....

I HAVE DREAMS TO FULFILL WHAT IS THIS PETTY PARTY GOING TO DO FOR ME.

Same people as all the other parties

Same low ambition mindsets

Same loose morals

This interlude is to show my change

There is so much more to life than partying. 

If God allows me to make it to Heaven, I want him clapping as I walk in because I lived my life glorifying him and spreading the gospel. 

I learned my lesson.

I'll stay at home

In my bedroom

Eating Nutella

Writing poems

And discovering ways to be successful

Y'all can have those parties.

Interlude 1

15. Sideline Story

One of the hardest transitions in life is going from your senior year in highschool, to your freshman year in college

 

TALK ABOUT A WAKE UP CALL

I went from 

#1 in the district 

#3 in the city

To worst player in the conference

That's right, 

I sat the bench all this year

AND IM UNASHAMED BECAUSE IT WAS ALL MY FAULT

We were a winning team, and I didn't do all I could to get the playing time I wanted but I've learned from that!! 

So this... Is my sideline story

Y'all wished somebody made guidelines , on how to get up off the sidelines ?? 

Before I begin let me say that this is not about me

It's all about GOD 

I'm just spreading his WORD

7th grade- I sat the bench at Baker Middle School

8th grade- sat the bench again, when my coach finally gave me the chance 2nd to last game of the year I scored 14 points in 5 minutes. He started me the game to end 8th grade.

Freshman year- Carroll High School, all the girls I came in with automatically were moved up to JV or Varsity. I was on freshman ball, I didn't know any better. I continued to work hard and to end the season I was moved up to varsity and had 2 varsity games under my belt at the age of 14.

Sophomore Year- coach said she would put me on Varsity if I quit volleyball. So I quit, and began on varsity, but was moved down to JV to get more playing time. By the end of the year I was getting reasonable minutes on varsity, a good 10-13 a game. But still a majority of the year was spent on JV. 

***Summer Before Junior Year***

I played with the girls from Taft Highschool all summer

Worked hard everyday

Cried 

More than enough blood sweat and tears

Played tournaments 

Summer league

NO AAU

all hard work

Outside games

Pickup games

Barely any money spent

MONEY DOES NOT MEAN TALENT

junior year- I came back TRANSFORMED

I was a starter on varsity, ended the year with 3 all tournament teams and 2nd team all district. This led to me being full of myself and egotistical and not a nice person. I still did not make the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd team all south Texas. So I felt like a failure, I told myself the next year I was gonna get MVP of district and make the all south Texas team. We missed playoffs and I was determined to come back even stronger.

Senior year- my team ended the year with a 29-6 record, district runner ups, and we made the playoffs. Our team was predicted #1 in corpus. Made front page at least 5 times this year. I was MVP of the district, made 1st team all south Texas, and was getting a few college calls. I was so blessed but I couldn't see past my own selfish pride and I hurt so many along the way and I am so ashamed of it. But it made me into who I am today. Some NAIA and D3 but nothing more. At the time I was upset, but now I am so blessed just to be getting a college education. I'm blessed to be part of a program so unique, so special, so INCREDIBLE. I am BLESSED to call myself a collegiate athlete.

Freshman year of College- nothing I did in highschool mattered whatsoever. I came in thinking I deserved playing time, I was good, and didn't have to work hard. BOY WAS I WRONG. I sat the bench the whollleeeee entirreeeee yearrrr!!! Lawd it was hard! But I didn't do anything to change it. We won't our conference and made the sweet sixteen, and tho I felt I didn't contribute directly on the court, our team was so incredible they made me feel as tho I helped and all SIXTEEN of us made a huge IMPACT. COACHES INCLUDED.

Next year: if I want to get off the sideline, I have to do all of the following things.

-REMEMBER GOD GAVE THE TALENT AND HE CAN TAKE IT AWAY JUST AS EASILY 

- REMEMBER EVERYTHING

I MEAN EVERYTHING I DO IS TO GLORIFY 

GOD

GOD 

JESUS

GOD

ok lol, also

-Never Slack

-Shoot EVERYDAY

-Get Quicker

-Become more HUMBLE

-Understand NOTHING COMES EASY

-Give 110% all the time

     , run out of 110%? GIVE 120%

-remember it is not an individual sport

-don't lose your focus

once you do all these things, if you're still on the sideline....

 You BETTER CHEER LIKE YOURE AT A JCOLE CONCERT AND BE GRATEFUL YOURE EVEN PART OF THE TEAM BECAUSE THEY ARE THE 3RD GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO YOU BEHIND GOD AND YOUR FAMILY.

I am blessed to have peace of mind and a positive perspective. 

I can't wait to go to Tyler, Texas. 

I miss my family and I know God has great things in store for us next year 

I've learned the underdog usually rises

So watch out for the chihuahua 

#PBLM

14. Cole Summer

Mighty crazy the things I've been thru 

They all led up to where I am now.

AFTER 5 YEARS of being obsessed with Cole, I had yet to see him in concert.

I'll never forget the summer of 2013

It was the summer that my life changed

God asked me "Are you ready for it?" 

I looked around at all his nice things..

Told him "Savior you already know it!!"

June 24, 2013 was the Dollar and a Dream concert in Houston. 

4 hours from my home.

I planned for weeks ahead to attend this concert, I had no clue how I was getting there but I KNEW I was going.

So the week before my aunt said she would drop me off, mannnnnn I was HYPE

She said "just wake me up at 4am and well go"

So I went to sleep at midnight, set my alarm for 3:45

3:46

& 3:48

Called her, she answered

And said she was too tired to take me.

At the time I was so bitter

I was going thru my life change 

I was finding myself, getting ready to leave for college, and transforming from the inside out.

Now that I look back I know there was no way I was mentally ready to see Cole.

I was not close enough with God and the vanity in my soul would have given all the glory to myself.

So during that summer I read the book "Heaven is Foreal"

Went to HolyLand in Florida

Started reading my bible everyday

And began listening to Joel Osteen podcasts everyday as well

By the time I left for college on August 22, 2013 I made the decision to be a better ME

Not for me, but for God. 

The process is still on going, but I'm getting better every single day.

On August 6, 2013 I gave my life to Christ.

When I went off to school I developed a brand new persona, without completely doing away with my old self. 

From that time on I wanted to be a better person, a better individual, a better daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, friend, loved one, girlfriend, I wanted people to see Christ living thru me.

8 months later on April 24, 2014 exactly 10 months after my last failed attempt to see jcole.... I was standing in the same building as him.

Two weeks before the concert my friend texted me saying Cole was going to be at UNT, which was 2 hours away from my new home.

That friends boyfriend was a student at UNT & let me be his one guest to take to the concert.

Another friend bought my ticket because my card was not working.

A different friend let me ride with him up to the concert.

One of my bestfriends let me stay with him in Dallas that night, 

And at 5am the following morning, my cousin came and picked me up and took me to the bus stop.

YALL CANT TELL ME GOD IS NOT REAL.

6 people helped to make one of my dreams come true, after my transformation, and that concert is a day I will remember for 

The 

Rest

Of 

My 

LIFE.

I am so grateful, words cannot describe.

The ColeSummer of 2013 my life changed forever,

It's now Summer of 2014 and it is my life's goal to bring as many people to Christ as I possibly can. 

God is real

If you have doubts

Science can tell us how

But can't tell us why

People can give us all the reasons he does not exist

But those are all just theories

I can prove God changed my life

Thanks to that

Cole Summer

13. Ladies

(Poem) 

But where is the self respect?

*****written portraying the voice of a woman who sells her body for a living**** 

My body is a temple. But I am treating it as a shack.

Rather than a place solely for birth and rebirth

I allow men impersonating our savior to separate my legs like the Red Sea because I've lost all the love for me

I strip my dignity for likes 

which leads to a boost in my confidence for that mere minute

I show skin like a newborn crying for attention

And everyone around me is longing to wrap their arms around me 

They enjoy hearing my scream 

And long to penetrate the very thing I was just released from

The complications of my heart put me under distress and 

And the more I take off the more pieces of my heart break off

Like I'm an unknown species still trying to be discovered

I've been this way my entire life

Since I was 10 years old this is all I've known

Just lurking for myself in the world

And I find it in sex ok 

I look for the philander 

All Church is is a fashion show and a dating game 

But you don't know my story

You don't know what I've been thru

I never had my dad

So I look to paper copies

And I rip my ego to shreds 

I use the ink under my eyes to draw more men closer to me 

I let them get inside my soul

Because I find my beauty in nakedness

And before Eve ate that apple life was good

So go ahead blame the women

But what about your pride

You never stopped me from listening to the snake and letting it get inside me for a minute of pleasure

That pleasure filled minute Resulted in the entire earths pain

You love me but you choke up when you attempt to tell me to keep my clothes on

That's why it's called Adam's apple

I can see it and as you swallow 

it goes up right along with your lower half

So you are the man and I was made from your ribs

That's probably why you enjoy eating huh

you think you know me ?

You have not a clue

You don't know what I've been thru

You don't know the things I've seen 

The things I've done

You don't know my struggle

So how can you judge

Only God can judge me

And most days I forget that one day .. He will..

If I were to die tomorrow

Would I make it to heaven?

I tell my deceased friends RIP while I am a rock in place

Like the stone on their grave I've been stagnant in my faith

It is the same as every one else's in this cemetery. 

Dead.

I say I'll see you soon in heaven, but I'm doing nothing to make sure God even allows me to walk through the gates...

Does God even hear my calls?

He hasn't answered any. 

My brother's still in jail

My momma still sick

I hope my daddy rot in hell

To pray would be absurd

God doesn't care about me, 

If if If he did WHY AM I STILL BROKE HUH

Why do I cry? 

Can you tell me why?!

Didn't think so. 

Forgiveness is for the weak

I've been strong all my life I don't need them

Y'all ain't loyal 

Walked out my life

Well keep walking 

I have me...

Myself... 

And I....

*talks to self* 

God where are you 

Are you even real?

How can I believe in a book written thousands of years ago

How can I possibly comprehend a man dying for my mistakes

The scars on his back don't even amount to the scars on my heart God

I've let the Devil defeat me

I've even defeated me.

Am I talking to myself?

You've probably given up on me... It's ok , I've given up on me too...

*looks down* 

Slowly rises head and says 

"My child..

Love does not rest.

I have not given up on you.

It is all a test. 

Because tests prove endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope.

Faith is seeing the unseen without your eyes

As your heart speaks all the words I need to hear

Your entire life you've believed Satan's lies and this is the reason you cry

I have seen your problems

And I have heard your prayer

But how can I answer you when doubts are there

Doubt your doubts

Change your change

Fear no fear

There are blessings I have with your name that are waiting to be opened if you would just ask and believe

I will never leave

I will never forsake

Your heart will no longer break if you instill it with me

I explain in first peter if you would just read 

For it is better to suffer for doing good

James 1:6 

For let him ask in faith.. Without doubting

You doubt me 

So I have not been able to give to you 

I see you are sinning and I forgive you

so please let me live in you

I carry your pain if you just ask

I carry it regardless 

But I want to spend eternity with you 

Of all the men you've been with I am the only one that has died for you and risen

That thousand year old history

Is my story to you

Trying to build your life

I gave you the blueprint as a guide

And the more you misinterpret what I am saying

It seems as if the man beneath you is speaking

Earth is so petty

Heaven is so pretty

Life for you now is just to make sure you can come with me for eternity 

You cannot earn it

You cannot lose it

Come to me

Repent

That simple prayer ain't so simple

You've gotta mean what you say

You think life's a game?

You think satan can beat me?

Ha

I'm undefeated. 

11. Let God Down

Every time I make a mistake

I feel as tho I let God down

But then I hear his voice say 

"You ain't let God down

I have the crown 

My sons wife wears the gown

With the church as his love

So all the knives I found in your back

I replaced them"

People say their biggest fear is 

Hell

Death

Losing a loved one

I just fear one day all the mistakes I've made

Every wrong choice

 

I'm just scared 

I can't help but wonder if..

I let God down

10. Grew Up Fast

Growing up is seeing drama on twitter and logging out for the night.

Growing up is not always having to have the last word.

Growing up is understanding there is so much more to a relationship than a pretty face and laughter. 

Growing up is realizing morals are powerful.

Growing up is being able to look a girl straight in the face, knowing the boy you once loved cheated on you with her, and not saying a word about it. 

Growing up is caring more about the smile on your little brother's face when he wakes up in the morning than the new KDs that are coming out tomorrow.

GROWING UP is not caring about your followers to following ratio. 

... Growing up is being able to admit the truth when you are much more comfortable with a lie.

...

Growing up is me admitting that I was and am wrong. All the time. I sin. I make mistakes. I've loved and lost. I've lost and loved. Growing up means smiling, nodding, even when I know I want to be the last to speak. 

Growing up means so much more than can be put into words

Throughout the past year I have grown each and every single day and I continue to grow.

I see where improvement is needed.

I also do not want to be vain and I will stop talking about myself now.

Growing up is much more than age, growing up is owning up to mistakes and no longer hiding is the past. 

That is all. 

9. Cost Me A lot

Can't tell you where I'm goin, just know I won't stop. Goodbye to the bottom, hello to the top. 

.....HoboDia just isn't who I am anymore.

My name is Khadijah Adwoa Evans

And I'm a recovering sinner.

I'm still a hobo, because HEAVEN IS MY HOME, but the memories and things associated with that name are no longer me.

I asked God to rid me of enemies, and now I can count my friends without using all my fingers on one hand. 

But he didn't take them away, I had to make the choice that if a person was not making a positive impact, they were negative. 

And that is unecessary in my life.

I'm happy & content with where I am in life, and I'm on a narrow path much too important to worry about the pettiness of earth. 

It's a very emotional choice and life I'm living right now, and I just do not know what else to do for people to take me seriously in my walk of faith and understand that I AM NOT WHO I USE TO BE. I'll be 19 next week and people still bring up my 16 year old mistakes.

They'll never be forgotten, but people who never speak of the future and must boast of the wreck less past have nothing to look forward to.

I have 1738326 things to look forward to.

Heaven

That's all I need.

As long as God is clapping, that's all that matters. 

Call me crazy,

But I'd prefer if you just didn't call at all.

8. Lit

Weed.

Sole basis of 60% of conversations on twitter now a days.

"Pass the virtual blunt"

"Cigarettes kill, weed doesn't"

"I'm gonna smoke I don't care what anyone says"

& let me be the first to say I have nothing against weed itself.

Not what you expected to read huh?

BUT IT IS ILLEGAL 

LIKE BRUH

intentionally breaking the law... O

I know plenty of people who smoke. But it's not my life, I'm going to tell them I don't agree with it, but I cannot stop them from living their life. 

Just because you smoke doesn't mean I am going to judge you.

Who am I to judge you because you sin differently than me?

What I do know is that I try my best each and every second of the day not to sin in every way I possibly can.

Let me also boldly claim I do not believe in smoking weed, not because it is "bad" but because it is a hallucinogen. This means it transforms your mindset in order to make you "relax". The reason I don't believe in this is because I believe God has the power to do that, WITHOUT the assistance of drugs nor alcohol. 

I think it's funny that many people actually believe I smoke marijuana. Because I'm always so calm and peaceful, and speak of love & joy and claim to be a hippie on occasion.. & I love reggae&Bob Marley.... But I do not smoke whatsoever. Like at all. 

Why does a crack head do crack? 

Because it makes them feel good.

Why do alcoholics drink?

Because it makes them feel good.

Why do pot heads smoke? 

BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD

this is a form of lust (one of the seven deadly sins) and "needing" weed is putting the substance before GOD, which is what I do not believe in. 

I don't know if weed really doesn't kill.

I don't know if God put it here for medical help. 

I don't know all the answers, if I did then I'd be God.

What I do know is that if you feel the need to use a substance in order to relax & you can't use a bible or prayer to do that? That's where the issue comes in.

I do not smoke. I do not drink. I do not have sex. 

Am I better than you? No.

But I am trying to be the change I want to see in this world. 

I AM HAPPY.

I HAVE 

JOY.

Enjoy peace of mind. That is all. 

7. She Knows

The other day my cousin saw me reading my bible & asked me 

"Dia how do you even know God is real"

And my first reaction was just speechless. Like I did not know what to say.

How can I expect to be a pastor when I'm older, if I can't answer a simple question like that.

Despite my speechlessness, I answered

"Because I've seen him do some amazing things with my own eyes"

See I grew up and was taught to believe. But in the back of my mind, I never really thought for myself.

So when I was 17 I researched other religions, strayed from God, and was doing my own thing. 

During this time 3 specific things happened to me from God to show me that he was real.

Twice isn't a coincidence, 3 times isn't conspiracy. It was all just God. 

1. The very first time I truly felt God speak to me and show me he was real was on September 11, 2012. On that day I was attempting to get over the breakup of my exboyfriend. To ease my mind after school me and my friend went to see a movie because we were tired and had no where to nap. I planned on going to the volleyball game after with her, and to a football game after that with my other friend, which happened to be at my ex-boyfriend's school. As me and my friend were walking into the movie theater we hear a thump on the window, we look down and see a hummingbird that crashed and fell. We see the bird fighting for it's life on the ground, blood dripping from the side of it's mouth, gasping for air and suffering. My friend and I decide to pray for the bird to be put out of it's misery. As we turn look for something to kill the bird, we turn around and see it hop up. It began walking and eventually flew away. This was amazing to me because less than 1 minute earlier the bird was literally DYING. I mean it had blood coming out of it and it was hyperventilating it was CRAZY. I thought how God saved this creature was just absolutely incredible. After that we went and saw the movie, I went to the volleyball game and was waiting for my other friend to come get me so we could go to the football game. My other friend texts me that she is running late but nevertheless she comes. So we are about 30 minutes late to this game and as we're getting closer we miss our exit. Being 16&17 years old we have no clue where to go, so as we're in the car and I'm telling her about the breakup I just had we turn down a road we had never been on before and we see a person walking. We slow down and guess who it was, my ex. If she hadn't been late, and if we did not turn down that road, we would not have seen him walking which led to us getting back together eventually and another year worth of a relationship. I really planned on never speaking to him again at that point so if we didn't see him I don't think we would have had that 2 year long relationship which helped to make me the person I am today. I believe that all was in God's plan. The hummingbird was the main sign because at first I thought it was a metaphor for my ex, in how his old self was dying but God renewed him, but as I've grown I've seen that the hummingbird was a symbol of me and how my life crashed and just when I was on the edge of death, God saved me.

2. Many of you have heard of the book/movie "Heaven is for real" well during the summer of 2013 when my life was changing for the better I read that book and it was another factor to my change. In the book the dad sees a rainbow outside and calls his son Colton outside to see it and when the boy comes he merely says "oh cool, I prayed for that" then walks back inside. The faith of the child is incredible to me because he believed he would see the rainbow, he asked God for it, and there it was. Right after I read this part I prayed to see a rainbow. Call me childish, but I really could not remember the last time I had seen one. Two months go by and I promise everyday I waited for that rainbow. I looked and looked and prayed even more, and I failed to see it. I began to doubt God a tad, because he couldn't do something so simple. But I kept my faith and just kept being patient. By this time, 2 months later, I was off to college and my mom and I planned a surprise visit to my brothers football game. When she got me I was reunited with 2 of my sisters and 2 of my brothers and sat in the stands thanking God I had such a wonderful family. It began to sprinkle and minutes later, it was sunny. Then behold, a rainbow. I told my mom "mom I prayed for that two months ago and I'm barely seeing it" she told me that maybe God wanted me to be able to see it while I was actually in the presence of my loved ones. Some might say this is coincidence, but I know if I had seen this rainbow while I was by myself it would have had much less significance. I believe he waited until my faith was high enough, and I was with my family to be able to experience this moment.

3. Now for the all important 3rd reason I know God is real. When I was 16 I decided to move out of my moms house in with my dad. This resulted in my mom moving to austin and me getting together with my first love. Also I moved to college. These three very things are what resulted in my falling in love with Jesus Christ. My first love and I were on and off for two years and during this time when I felt alone I would run to God. During my senior year I had no clue where I was going to go to college. I didn't know If I was good enough to play anywhere, nor did I receive any calls until about February. So in march I got another two calls from schools. One from TLU, 2 hours from home, & the other from UT Tyler. I commited to TLU and I tried my best to go there but we just could not afford it, I cried because I couldn't go and I knew it meant there was no way me and my ex were going to work out. In august of 2013 I moved to Tyler, Texas for college and was 7 hours away from home for the first time in my life. I had recently broken up with my ex again & was not on good terms with my mom. I recently had read the book heaven is for real, saw the movie temptation, went to holy land in Florida and was planning to turn my life around. When I started college I created a whole new persona of myself. I vowed to love God, be a better person, and forget who I use to be. As I was getting over a heartbreak I was falling for Christ and he was making me whole again. This I can't explain, but I found myself smiling more than I ever had in my entire life. I asked for forgiveness for all those I hurt as well as forgave all the people in my life who hurt me as well. I was a brand new me, not too far from the old, just a better version of my former self. I was happy. I became saved. 

I was crucified in Christ (Galations 2:20)

I played basketball this year in college and all year we talked about winning the conference tournament and getting a ring. I had never been on a winning team before so this was in my wildest dreams. After 5 months of blood sweat and tears & lots and lots of prayer, we did it. God gave us the ASC title and a ring. I knew then that God made me go to Tyler for a reason. My teammates became my family and them alone is enough of a reason I know God is real. 

If you don't love college, I guarantee you just aren't at the right one!

So how do I know God is real? 

Because even after all I've been thru, After all the mistakes I've made, all the tears I've cried, God continues to forgive me, show me he is real, talk to me, love me, save me, and give me JOY

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY EVER AND IM JUST A BROKE COLLEGE STUDENT.

It's all about perspective.

I have an amazing family

I have dreams

I have a GOD who loves me unconditionally

I have a roof over my head

And I'm playing freakin college basketball man,

What more could I ask for.

6. Rags to Riches (at the beep)

I know I've accepted God's will for my life because if he calls me to a life of sorrow... I'll learn to accept it.

If he takes my life tomorrow.. I'll be ok with that.

If God took all my money, all my family, and everything I ever had and known and loved I would have no choice but to accept his will

And you know why?

BECAUSE HE GAVE IT ALL TO ME

No matter how much of a "good person" I try to be, nothing compares to the eternal life that lies ahead of me the day my heart stops beating. 

Anyone who tries to keep his life will lose it. Anyone who loses his life will keep it. 

Luke 17:33

What good is gaining the whole world but losing your soul?

If you want to save your life, you will lose it. But if you lose your life for God and the gospel, you will save it.

In Mark chapter 8 Jesus tells his disciples of how they think about "human things"

Isn't that all we stress about? 

Homework

Grades

Boys

Girls

Kids

Health

Money

School

Money

Money

And again.. Money

You ever think how there's no stress in heaven? Because they aren't HUMAN, there's no worries! 

COLOSSIANS 3:2 🙌

A main source of stress for EVERYONE is 

MONEY 

Even I stress about money on occasion, I try not to but it's an old habit that's dying hard. 

What I do understand is that I do not under any circumstance LOVE money, times I find myself stressing about money but what for? 

I have a roof over my head

Food in my stomach

& I'm alive

One day I'll be rich, but I'll love humbly.

That is all.  

5. Goin Off

To many of you I knew in highschool

To the other few who knew me in middle school 

& to those others who are reading this blog.

I am not the same person I was in highschool.

I apologize for the inconvenience.

Yea I changed. 

And you know why?

*warning I get a tad hectic*

Because if Jesus came back tomorrow,

 I REFUSED to be here on earth with so many of y'all confused as to why I didn't get picked to go to heaven and am now forced to face 7 years of literal hell on earth. 

I am not going to wonder why I missed the rapture and be crying with my family hoping to make it when the years are over.

I'm going up to heaven takin all my folk! 

-word to Canton Jones

I mean think about it 

Jesus literally could come back as soon as you're done reading this blog

& are you gonna be chosen to go to heaven?

I know I am. 

Cuz hell on earth is no place for me 

Neither is dying twice but you get the pictur.

So yes, I changed.

Yes, you may not like it.

Yes, I LOVE the new me.

And NO, I will not care what you think about it.

A few people have told me "you've changed and I don't like it." 

And yes this is a true story, 

I don't understand why people couldn't be happy for me. I never forced anyone to change for me, I simply accepted those I loved as they were and if they felt the need to change I would stick with them every step of the way.

Why are people upset that I now actually love my life?

Well my bad I wanted to get my life together and help those around me along with myself make it to heaven.

My bad, 

I've repented which is why I do not curse, drink, smoke, have sex, etc.

& before you say "well you've done those before" 

Hence the word "repent" meaning I've turned away from those sins regardless of my past.

 

No I am not saying I'm better than you, what I'm saying is if I can do it and be unashamed I'm hoping to encourage you to as well. 

I would hate to see anyone I love be thrown into hell, no no no, not on my watch!

"I've changed, and things ain't the same. & ever since she came around you never wanna hang" 

Boo hoo life goes on

I'm not bitter. 

I'm happy you're happy, keep being happy, 

I'm happy too! lol my life is great, 

It's not perfect, but I am blessed

And by "blessed" I mean I have a roof over my head, joy in my heart, a family that loves me, and amazing teammates who are always there for me. 

It's the simple things I am so grateful for, but we'll get to that in another blog..

Every thing that has happened to me within the past 4 months that should have been negative, I have learned I make the best of.

Losing a few hundred dollars, losing some of my closest friends, losing my first love, internal conflicts, petty things, & I really can't think of anything else really because when bad things happen to me I view them as what I like to call 

"Blessings in disguise"

Meaning I know the suffering I endure now just means God has a greater plan for me.

So to those who think I have changed and no longer would like to associate with me, I will pray for you

You still have a friend in me and I'll always be there, I try my best to keep my promises.

To those I do not know, I know the words of my 18 year old feeling 52 wisdom have rubbed off somewhat. 

As I come to a close of this blog I would like to know if Jesus came back, in 10 seconds.......

Would you go to heaven ?

In September 2013 this video helped to the beginning of my changed life http://youtu.be/ANTctnIHY_A 

God truly changed me, from the inside out. 

I wasn't born sinning, but I became a sinner. Now kI'll live better than that. 

Swear.

4. I'm the man

(Poem)

I want a man who is not afraid to get formally acquainted with his soul
I want a man who is willing to introduce himself to himself after lying to himself was previously sighing at himself crying at the mirror image of himself but before dying himself when he is discovering himself loves meeting himself
the only man above him is God himself and when he can tell the world he is weak the meekness in his soul will then blend with mine
I want a man whose heart may intertwine once broken now whole he found his soul
because I want a man who does not care what the guys think when he can no longer spend time with them because in his mind is the obligation he must abide by or he will see his love leave right before his eyes
I want a man who respects me
willing to wait for me
unashamed of me
tells other females about me
I want a man who screams my name so the heavens can hear

as if they weren't the ones who sent him to me


I want a man who is willing to turn down a good time for eternal life

I want a MAN

He will anger me
but the sight of him will erase all fright
His voice will calm me and make me mellow as I close my eyes and grasp the still extraordinary fact that we finally found one another

I'm the man for you
I'm the man who God created for you
I'm the man who will never break your heart
I'm the man and you are my woman and why nothing ever worked out with anyone else makes as much sense as why I met you in the first place because when I see your face my worries go away
I may stress and we may have struggles but together we will overcome the mountain
as deep as the ocean I will go
whatever it will take for you to know
like a hidden treasure
you've stolen my heart
Because of you I know love is four words other than itself & I

Lost myself
Only to find you & I
Value you in
Each forsaken way

As the veins in my arteries begin working harder than an ant for his queen and I believe you are 300 times me
I am your king and pharaoh  and nothing can come between us as long as we put as much faith in our love as our faith in the Lord our lives we owe from here on out we can only grow


So to my soul mate of whom I've yet to have the pleasure of meeting
Rejoice in the thought of me
Praise the weeks you wept
and the weary nights
Thank those we met who lacked symmetry
as the absence of light in those once harmful situations
will lead you to me
and we will have no limitations

I want a man who is not afraid
to live
to love
to praise
to prosper
to rejoice
to work
to lurk
of me
of life
of death

I patiently long for the scent of you after mowing fresh grass
the sight of the tear dancing down your cheek at the end of the aisle
the mist of the sweet kiss as your lips grace  my forehead
and the sound of our son laughing at your almost funny jokes

Together we can live once rather than perish twice
For him I will wait

3. Blog for the Ville

As I was sitting here thinking of a topic for my next blog

I thought 

I love poetry, 

But I asked myself

"Well what do people want to read about" 

Then I thought..

2. See It To Believe It

"Man I can't believe what happened to what's her face, makes me really appreciate life. I'm gonna turn my life around starting today. Thank you God"

Yet you're still the same. 

1. Intro

Often times people tend to lose themselves in search of someone else.
But what they fail to realize is you cannot depend your happiness on another

Many also lose themselves in their own mind.
Thinking too much can be dangerous.

With music and God, I was once lost... but now I am found.






Many people fail to realize how much J. Cole used Lauryn Hill as an influence. Hence another reason for the title of my blog "Lost Ones"


Too many times I see people on twitter saying how "Lost Ones" by J. Cole is the song that got them hooked, but what about Lauryn Hill ?!?!

Lauryn Hill's Lost One's was part of the Miseducation album. Take a listen, because it's arguably one of the greatest r&b albums of all time.

Oh and after you hear it you'll realize that J. Cole sampled the beat to 'To Zion' and 'Nothing Even Matters'


Now I love J. Cole, he's creative, innovative, and has pure raw talent. But many "Cole fans" do not look deeper into the original places he picked and pulled from to create his many songs.

Some examples include Erykah Badu, Nas, Biggie, and of course... Lauryn Hill.


As the first post on my blog I would like to explain that my many posts will be random, but intriguing nonetheless. Whatever comes to this meandering mind of mine. Whether I talk about God, nature, music or even the state of mind. I want you to realize that as our society has grown through the years, it has withered in brain capacity. Leaving many of us known as




Lost Ones.