17. Can't Cry

(Poem) 

I haven't cried in so long

I forgot what pain feels like

I haven't spoke to storm

So I forgot what rain feels like

Thoughts in danger like a manitee 

Swimming clues less in a can a tea

So clueless

I question my sanity 

but then I see the marks from my vanity strained in his back

Love so deep 

his broke 

all because we stepped on the cracks

Couldn't avoid the sin

Just had to give in

I mean we knew it was wrong

Knew the path we were on 

spread wider than our legs 

Kayak Rowed 

Yellow road 

rolled out blunt

But the path with few steps 

only a few steps away 

leads to the stairs with more than a few steps 

don't tip toe steps 

you might miss those steps 

the gates few step in 

but a few steps in 

you already see gold roads 

and glory road leading to him 

... And I took the one less traveled by

Chased by the fireman here come the fireman

But I'm gone stay with my main yea because my saviors no hater 

Chased by the devil 

he don't even realize he's covering our tracks with his flames

Look back put them out 

Look at me now 

All we need is H2o and a K cuz we're the fishermen for God 

and he hands us the hook

When you can't sleep 

Lying in bed 

at 12:14 am

Crying cuz the boy who hurt you 

Can't even forgive yourself 

Think of Romans 12:14 

The man who loved you 

says to bless those who hurt you

So what if he left

The homeless man will hug you!

Alysia Harris poems will make you smile

God went the extra mile

Taking steps into souls

His shoes too big to fill 

With grace as his feet 

And your vains the path 

To enter your heart

Penitent from the wrong 

leaves you repentant

from the inveterate sin

But the very tears you just shed 

are the same ones you're drowning in 

If there was no mistakes 

he would have been crucified for nothing

We all sin 

He didn't miss take them 

..

They say they've cried out all their tears

And I use to not see that to be possible

Because I cried myself to sleep so many nights in a row I lost count

The ones I thought I had I couldn't column out the numbers 

Then God said he was there 

All I had to do was call em

Like like Greek architecture 

The columns so unique 

The X I thought was everything 

Caused 11 months of weep

12 hours of insanity

And 13 unlucky thoughts which exhausted me to the fullest

The Roman numerals but the IV keeping me alive 

I pulled out from my flesh .. 

The 4 of us

But I came to realize

Joy was in my soul

I just had to find it 

Like that tip of the tongue phenomenon 

The feeling just appeared

And I cry no more

Because all my trust is in The Lord

When I say I TRUST him I MEAN IT

Tears are unnecessary when I know he would never harm me

Water works don't work 

Katrina mighta broke the Levi 

But it was paid to fix it 

That's why the storm can't make me cry

Nothing can make me cry really

Maybe I shed a first tear or two during the poem for a second or few 

But right at 3rd I somehow knew Jesus put forth his tomb

..And it took 5 to save us

The father

The son 

The spirit

Me

... And you

God is Jesus the son, Uncle Sam, Father Time & Mother Nature. Period.

I'll say niagra falls will never come to my eyes

And they'll say

"what'd you call me?"

I don't think ignorance is bliss

Rather blasphemy if you ask me

Sorta nasty 

Leaves our voice raspy 

Cuz no one wants to hear us speak when it sounds like this

Just like No one wants to hear you speak when you're weak

Except him.

I made him my strength

You've just gotta be fifth harmony 

Put it all in a melody 

Let that sink in 

Open the door

God be the water

We've just gotta drink him 

16. Interlude 1

From the first 15 posts I think it's pretty apparent I am not your average 19 year old girl.

Recently as I was in my hometown, the party of the summer occurred. 

One of my highschool friends convinced me to come incase they needed a designated driver home.

So I showed up, walked in and the first step I had smoke blown in my face from 4 different directions.

I wanted to vomit my morals out right then and there. 

I saw she was ok to drive and I left. 

If you knew me in highschool you know I am familiar with a lot of people and a lot are familiar with me. Not vanity, but when you play basketball in corpus everyone knows you.

When I walked in I saw 18361 people I have not seen since highschool and I realized something....

I HAVE DREAMS TO FULFILL WHAT IS THIS PETTY PARTY GOING TO DO FOR ME.

Same people as all the other parties

Same low ambition mindsets

Same loose morals

This interlude is to show my change

There is so much more to life than partying. 

If God allows me to make it to Heaven, I want him clapping as I walk in because I lived my life glorifying him and spreading the gospel. 

I learned my lesson.

I'll stay at home

In my bedroom

Eating Nutella

Writing poems

And discovering ways to be successful

Y'all can have those parties.

Interlude 1

15. Sideline Story

One of the hardest transitions in life is going from your senior year in highschool, to your freshman year in college

 

TALK ABOUT A WAKE UP CALL

I went from 

#1 in the district 

#3 in the city

To worst player in the conference

That's right, 

I sat the bench all this year

AND IM UNASHAMED BECAUSE IT WAS ALL MY FAULT

We were a winning team, and I didn't do all I could to get the playing time I wanted but I've learned from that!! 

So this... Is my sideline story

Y'all wished somebody made guidelines , on how to get up off the sidelines ?? 

Before I begin let me say that this is not about me

It's all about GOD 

I'm just spreading his WORD

7th grade- I sat the bench at Baker Middle School

8th grade- sat the bench again, when my coach finally gave me the chance 2nd to last game of the year I scored 14 points in 5 minutes. He started me the game to end 8th grade.

Freshman year- Carroll High School, all the girls I came in with automatically were moved up to JV or Varsity. I was on freshman ball, I didn't know any better. I continued to work hard and to end the season I was moved up to varsity and had 2 varsity games under my belt at the age of 14.

Sophomore Year- coach said she would put me on Varsity if I quit volleyball. So I quit, and began on varsity, but was moved down to JV to get more playing time. By the end of the year I was getting reasonable minutes on varsity, a good 10-13 a game. But still a majority of the year was spent on JV. 

***Summer Before Junior Year***

I played with the girls from Taft Highschool all summer

Worked hard everyday

Cried 

More than enough blood sweat and tears

Played tournaments 

Summer league

NO AAU

all hard work

Outside games

Pickup games

Barely any money spent

MONEY DOES NOT MEAN TALENT

junior year- I came back TRANSFORMED

I was a starter on varsity, ended the year with 3 all tournament teams and 2nd team all district. This led to me being full of myself and egotistical and not a nice person. I still did not make the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd team all south Texas. So I felt like a failure, I told myself the next year I was gonna get MVP of district and make the all south Texas team. We missed playoffs and I was determined to come back even stronger.

Senior year- my team ended the year with a 29-6 record, district runner ups, and we made the playoffs. Our team was predicted #1 in corpus. Made front page at least 5 times this year. I was MVP of the district, made 1st team all south Texas, and was getting a few college calls. I was so blessed but I couldn't see past my own selfish pride and I hurt so many along the way and I am so ashamed of it. But it made me into who I am today. Some NAIA and D3 but nothing more. At the time I was upset, but now I am so blessed just to be getting a college education. I'm blessed to be part of a program so unique, so special, so INCREDIBLE. I am BLESSED to call myself a collegiate athlete.

Freshman year of College- nothing I did in highschool mattered whatsoever. I came in thinking I deserved playing time, I was good, and didn't have to work hard. BOY WAS I WRONG. I sat the bench the whollleeeee entirreeeee yearrrr!!! Lawd it was hard! But I didn't do anything to change it. We won't our conference and made the sweet sixteen, and tho I felt I didn't contribute directly on the court, our team was so incredible they made me feel as tho I helped and all SIXTEEN of us made a huge IMPACT. COACHES INCLUDED.

Next year: if I want to get off the sideline, I have to do all of the following things.

-REMEMBER GOD GAVE THE TALENT AND HE CAN TAKE IT AWAY JUST AS EASILY 

- REMEMBER EVERYTHING

I MEAN EVERYTHING I DO IS TO GLORIFY 

GOD

GOD 

JESUS

GOD

ok lol, also

-Never Slack

-Shoot EVERYDAY

-Get Quicker

-Become more HUMBLE

-Understand NOTHING COMES EASY

-Give 110% all the time

     , run out of 110%? GIVE 120%

-remember it is not an individual sport

-don't lose your focus

once you do all these things, if you're still on the sideline....

 You BETTER CHEER LIKE YOURE AT A JCOLE CONCERT AND BE GRATEFUL YOURE EVEN PART OF THE TEAM BECAUSE THEY ARE THE 3RD GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO YOU BEHIND GOD AND YOUR FAMILY.

I am blessed to have peace of mind and a positive perspective. 

I can't wait to go to Tyler, Texas. 

I miss my family and I know God has great things in store for us next year 

I've learned the underdog usually rises

So watch out for the chihuahua 

#PBLM

14. Cole Summer

Mighty crazy the things I've been thru 

They all led up to where I am now.

AFTER 5 YEARS of being obsessed with Cole, I had yet to see him in concert.

I'll never forget the summer of 2013

It was the summer that my life changed

God asked me "Are you ready for it?" 

I looked around at all his nice things..

Told him "Savior you already know it!!"

June 24, 2013 was the Dollar and a Dream concert in Houston. 

4 hours from my home.

I planned for weeks ahead to attend this concert, I had no clue how I was getting there but I KNEW I was going.

So the week before my aunt said she would drop me off, mannnnnn I was HYPE

She said "just wake me up at 4am and well go"

So I went to sleep at midnight, set my alarm for 3:45

3:46

& 3:48

Called her, she answered

And said she was too tired to take me.

At the time I was so bitter

I was going thru my life change 

I was finding myself, getting ready to leave for college, and transforming from the inside out.

Now that I look back I know there was no way I was mentally ready to see Cole.

I was not close enough with God and the vanity in my soul would have given all the glory to myself.

So during that summer I read the book "Heaven is Foreal"

Went to HolyLand in Florida

Started reading my bible everyday

And began listening to Joel Osteen podcasts everyday as well

By the time I left for college on August 22, 2013 I made the decision to be a better ME

Not for me, but for God. 

The process is still on going, but I'm getting better every single day.

On August 6, 2013 I gave my life to Christ.

When I went off to school I developed a brand new persona, without completely doing away with my old self. 

From that time on I wanted to be a better person, a better individual, a better daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, friend, loved one, girlfriend, I wanted people to see Christ living thru me.

8 months later on April 24, 2014 exactly 10 months after my last failed attempt to see jcole.... I was standing in the same building as him.

Two weeks before the concert my friend texted me saying Cole was going to be at UNT, which was 2 hours away from my new home.

That friends boyfriend was a student at UNT & let me be his one guest to take to the concert.

Another friend bought my ticket because my card was not working.

A different friend let me ride with him up to the concert.

One of my bestfriends let me stay with him in Dallas that night, 

And at 5am the following morning, my cousin came and picked me up and took me to the bus stop.

YALL CANT TELL ME GOD IS NOT REAL.

6 people helped to make one of my dreams come true, after my transformation, and that concert is a day I will remember for 

The 

Rest

Of 

My 

LIFE.

I am so grateful, words cannot describe.

The ColeSummer of 2013 my life changed forever,

It's now Summer of 2014 and it is my life's goal to bring as many people to Christ as I possibly can. 

God is real

If you have doubts

Science can tell us how

But can't tell us why

People can give us all the reasons he does not exist

But those are all just theories

I can prove God changed my life

Thanks to that

Cole Summer

13. Ladies

(Poem) 

But where is the self respect?

*****written portraying the voice of a woman who sells her body for a living**** 

My body is a temple. But I am treating it as a shack.

Rather than a place solely for birth and rebirth

I allow men impersonating our savior to separate my legs like the Red Sea because I've lost all the love for me

I strip my dignity for likes 

which leads to a boost in my confidence for that mere minute

I show skin like a newborn crying for attention

And everyone around me is longing to wrap their arms around me 

They enjoy hearing my scream 

And long to penetrate the very thing I was just released from

The complications of my heart put me under distress and 

And the more I take off the more pieces of my heart break off

Like I'm an unknown species still trying to be discovered

I've been this way my entire life

Since I was 10 years old this is all I've known

Just lurking for myself in the world

And I find it in sex ok 

I look for the philander 

All Church is is a fashion show and a dating game 

But you don't know my story

You don't know what I've been thru

I never had my dad

So I look to paper copies

And I rip my ego to shreds 

I use the ink under my eyes to draw more men closer to me 

I let them get inside my soul

Because I find my beauty in nakedness

And before Eve ate that apple life was good

So go ahead blame the women

But what about your pride

You never stopped me from listening to the snake and letting it get inside me for a minute of pleasure

That pleasure filled minute Resulted in the entire earths pain

You love me but you choke up when you attempt to tell me to keep my clothes on

That's why it's called Adam's apple

I can see it and as you swallow 

it goes up right along with your lower half

So you are the man and I was made from your ribs

That's probably why you enjoy eating huh

you think you know me ?

You have not a clue

You don't know what I've been thru

You don't know the things I've seen 

The things I've done

You don't know my struggle

So how can you judge

Only God can judge me

And most days I forget that one day .. He will..

If I were to die tomorrow

Would I make it to heaven?

I tell my deceased friends RIP while I am a rock in place

Like the stone on their grave I've been stagnant in my faith

It is the same as every one else's in this cemetery. 

Dead.

I say I'll see you soon in heaven, but I'm doing nothing to make sure God even allows me to walk through the gates...

Does God even hear my calls?

He hasn't answered any. 

My brother's still in jail

My momma still sick

I hope my daddy rot in hell

To pray would be absurd

God doesn't care about me, 

If if If he did WHY AM I STILL BROKE HUH

Why do I cry? 

Can you tell me why?!

Didn't think so. 

Forgiveness is for the weak

I've been strong all my life I don't need them

Y'all ain't loyal 

Walked out my life

Well keep walking 

I have me...

Myself... 

And I....

*talks to self* 

God where are you 

Are you even real?

How can I believe in a book written thousands of years ago

How can I possibly comprehend a man dying for my mistakes

The scars on his back don't even amount to the scars on my heart God

I've let the Devil defeat me

I've even defeated me.

Am I talking to myself?

You've probably given up on me... It's ok , I've given up on me too...

*looks down* 

Slowly rises head and says 

"My child..

Love does not rest.

I have not given up on you.

It is all a test. 

Because tests prove endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope.

Faith is seeing the unseen without your eyes

As your heart speaks all the words I need to hear

Your entire life you've believed Satan's lies and this is the reason you cry

I have seen your problems

And I have heard your prayer

But how can I answer you when doubts are there

Doubt your doubts

Change your change

Fear no fear

There are blessings I have with your name that are waiting to be opened if you would just ask and believe

I will never leave

I will never forsake

Your heart will no longer break if you instill it with me

I explain in first peter if you would just read 

For it is better to suffer for doing good

James 1:6 

For let him ask in faith.. Without doubting

You doubt me 

So I have not been able to give to you 

I see you are sinning and I forgive you

so please let me live in you

I carry your pain if you just ask

I carry it regardless 

But I want to spend eternity with you 

Of all the men you've been with I am the only one that has died for you and risen

That thousand year old history

Is my story to you

Trying to build your life

I gave you the blueprint as a guide

And the more you misinterpret what I am saying

It seems as if the man beneath you is speaking

Earth is so petty

Heaven is so pretty

Life for you now is just to make sure you can come with me for eternity 

You cannot earn it

You cannot lose it

Come to me

Repent

That simple prayer ain't so simple

You've gotta mean what you say

You think life's a game?

You think satan can beat me?

Ha

I'm undefeated. 

11. Let God Down

Every time I make a mistake

I feel as tho I let God down

But then I hear his voice say 

"You ain't let God down

I have the crown 

My sons wife wears the gown

With the church as his love

So all the knives I found in your back

I replaced them"

People say their biggest fear is 

Hell

Death

Losing a loved one

I just fear one day all the mistakes I've made

Every wrong choice

 

I'm just scared 

I can't help but wonder if..

I let God down

10. Grew Up Fast

Growing up is seeing drama on twitter and logging out for the night.

Growing up is not always having to have the last word.

Growing up is understanding there is so much more to a relationship than a pretty face and laughter. 

Growing up is realizing morals are powerful.

Growing up is being able to look a girl straight in the face, knowing the boy you once loved cheated on you with her, and not saying a word about it. 

Growing up is caring more about the smile on your little brother's face when he wakes up in the morning than the new KDs that are coming out tomorrow.

GROWING UP is not caring about your followers to following ratio. 

... Growing up is being able to admit the truth when you are much more comfortable with a lie.

...

Growing up is me admitting that I was and am wrong. All the time. I sin. I make mistakes. I've loved and lost. I've lost and loved. Growing up means smiling, nodding, even when I know I want to be the last to speak. 

Growing up means so much more than can be put into words

Throughout the past year I have grown each and every single day and I continue to grow.

I see where improvement is needed.

I also do not want to be vain and I will stop talking about myself now.

Growing up is much more than age, growing up is owning up to mistakes and no longer hiding is the past. 

That is all. 

9. Cost Me A lot

Can't tell you where I'm goin, just know I won't stop. Goodbye to the bottom, hello to the top. 

.....HoboDia just isn't who I am anymore.

My name is Khadijah Adwoa Evans

And I'm a recovering sinner.

I'm still a hobo, because HEAVEN IS MY HOME, but the memories and things associated with that name are no longer me.

I asked God to rid me of enemies, and now I can count my friends without using all my fingers on one hand. 

But he didn't take them away, I had to make the choice that if a person was not making a positive impact, they were negative. 

And that is unecessary in my life.

I'm happy & content with where I am in life, and I'm on a narrow path much too important to worry about the pettiness of earth. 

It's a very emotional choice and life I'm living right now, and I just do not know what else to do for people to take me seriously in my walk of faith and understand that I AM NOT WHO I USE TO BE. I'll be 19 next week and people still bring up my 16 year old mistakes.

They'll never be forgotten, but people who never speak of the future and must boast of the wreck less past have nothing to look forward to.

I have 1738326 things to look forward to.

Heaven

That's all I need.

As long as God is clapping, that's all that matters. 

Call me crazy,

But I'd prefer if you just didn't call at all.