28. Dreams

The hardest part about the grind 

Is that you always missing so much time

Spending what you can't make back

On things so your fam can lay back

Drive a maybach

But what would they really rather have?

Is it your pulse within their reach?

Or that life within their grasp?

As I'm off at school

Trying to make a life

Working 2 jobs

Painting and studying, plus I hoop

That's why I never sleep at night 

Cuz while I'm in Tyler 

My baby brother just learned how to ride a bike

While I was home studying

My little sisters turned to the knife 

As I play my last basketball game junior year

My cousins at home living in fear

And i fear they'll never make it out 

But ain't that why I left the house?

Ain't that why I fled?

So I could give them all my bread?

Yet I have kin passing right and left

Which really has me trippin

Is this money school successful life really for me?

Cuz I say I'm doing it for them

But by the time I make it

Who will I be?

I won't even know them anymore

Because I spent so much time out the door

Which really has me thinking

What am I really working for?

And this will conclude disc 1.

27. I'm a Fool

Last Call Part 2

Yes it makes you prideful 

And arrogant 

And self centered 

You spent so much time trying to love you 

Now that you do 

You won't let her

Be your friend 

Or him

Or her

You're too busy doing YOU things

trying to make yourself better

And yes it is prideful 

That you've hurt so many people in your life

But as long as your happy

None of that even matters

Because the knife you used

You've thrown it away in to the lake

Blood dripping from your hands

And you can wash that off

But girl 

That scar in they back is still there even today

You can say you're sorry

And try to put that bandaid over the shattered glass

But none of that will ever matter if you never kiss their

Ask me what I really think is right 

Ask when the devil come in my ear

What Imma Say 

And it's "Screw that"

They're more important than me

I'm happy regardless of what's to be

So I'm more worried about you

And your sanity

I'm worried about taking away my vanity

Because during my first 18 years of living

And probably some even there after

I've hurt so many gosh darn people

I dont see how I even still matter

Because the bad always outweighs the good

And the good is hardly remembered 

By those you hurt that one time

But if you're around anyone long enough

They'll eventually hurt you too

That's why I try to stay to myself as much as possible

Because I know that's what I'll do

I know I hurt you

When I rubbed your tummy and said you'd never lose that

I know I hurt you 

When I physically punched your face then your heart and was ahead of the race

Leaving you behind me 

I know I hurt you 

When I let him lay in my bed

And the fact of the matter is

You never even had that truth in your head

I know I hurt you

When I stole your innocence right out of your hands

And dammit I'm sorry 

Those things were never in my plans

I'd been fighting this lion with my bare hands and I actually believed I had a good chance of winning 

I was lost and torn made mistakes since the day I was born 

And I hate the Dia I use to be

I hated her

And I know you hated me

I wanted and still wanna be so much more

And I'm so sorry

To any and every one I've ever hurt

Made sad

Made mad

Cry 

Disappointed

Neglected or left

I'm starting all over in my life today

And I pray this isn't a waste of breath

Id spend years and write an individual letter pressing my heart for ink & my hand going until it bleeds sanity

to each of you

I swear

But it'd be close to infinity

So I'm just gonna leave this right here

Because you know who I'm talking to 

I'm sorry to you 

everyone I've ever made question 

Who

Why'd I ever look up to you 

So please don't put me on a pedestal

Cuz I know better

And I'm still a fool

Joy revolves around forgiveness

And Ive forgiven

Now I just pray you can forgive me, my pride, and my past life too 

26. Last Call

Do it make me prideful?

Is it pride making me hide my love on the inside

Hidden because 

It hasn't been shown to you in years

Though you may have felt it

And I prolly did show it

But I am in denial 

Do it make me prideful?

That I still love you 

Like cake straight out the oven

Burning for your loving

Missing the kissing and huggin

And mostly just the sense of loving

Do it make me prideful?

That I won't pick up the phone

To tell you I'm home alone

And tell you I just wanna see your face

Hear your voice

State my case

Because never have I ever been perfect 

Which is why I'm dealing with this deadly sin at this very moment

While my heart is still hurting

Because I stole your innocence

And I stole your love 

Because I know it was real!

But we were just kids man

We didn't know that's what we were suppose to feel!

And lord knows Ill never forget you 

Lord knows I'm so glad I met you

But lord knows whether or not I'm suppose to come back and get you

So do it make me prideful?

That I'm loving myself now more than I ever loved you?

And lord knows that was a lot

Like pac said

That rose grew up from under the rock

Bc I'm sure you ain't know what love was either

With this Dom k beat in my head

Singing gold alpinas

You swagged out ya gold out penis

To many you never even loved

And I still don't even care

I'm just saying no now

Because

Do it make me prideful?

That I won't show you my heart?

That I won't pick up the phone?

To tell you that I've been in town

And your streets are all I roam 

25. Let It Show

Most people hate it, but this light I have

it's time I let it show. 

Next time somebody tells me to try not to push "the whole Jesus thing" on them, Imma just go about my day and keep loving them.

Imma take it as a compliment.

"Oh you think I talk about Jesus too much? Oh good!! That means He knows I talk about him a lot too." 

And I don't even be doing that half the time

I just talk about how Jesus changed my life & why I love him so much 

And that's not even what I talk about half the time tbh, I talk about music and basketball just as much, if not more than God unfortunately. But maybe it's my life that's intimidating, not my words.

But ya know, ever since I got saved I tried with all my might to not be that "pushy Christian" type. 

I've tried so hard to spread the gospel and it's love and just love other people, without saying the word "God" as much as possible.

And it hasn't seemed to work. Because people still consider me to "talk about God too much", "say that prayer is the answer to everything" etc. 

But I truly believe that the truth is that prayer does answer everything. If prayer doesn't seem to be working, pray more. But you have to believe. Because one who doubts is like waves of the sea.

But I am now going to disappear from that route, trying to avoid being "blunt." I'm just going to love and talk the way I truly feel God wants me to.

And next time someone tells me not to talk about God so much, 

Imma ask "why?"

Because it makes you feel uncomfortable? 

Well shoot. It should make me feel uncomfortable when people push their views on me as well 

ex/// things I don't do that people swear I should do bc it will "make me happy"

But I'm plenty happy without the stuff, so why you tryna change my life?

It's not even like I tell people "oh don't do that, or you're gonna go to hell" 

No. Who am I to judge you because you sin differently than me? We're all destined for hell. Until we make the choice to accept Jesus's call to follow HIM. 

But if you ask me if I think something is right, I'm going to tell you the truth as to what I feel based on the bible, my conscience, and further research. So don't be upset when I tell you the truth.

My life ain't perfect, and tho man fails me, never in my life have I ever felt unloved by God. He is the only thing I've ever known to be constant in my life, so why would I ever betray him? 

Yet, I only (usually) mention Jesus when someone has sorrow or asks me a question and I give a valid response, and I suggest things I've found to bring true joy. 

If it were meant to hurt you, I wouldn't tell you.

But I think we as human beings just don't like the truth, which is funny, because we hate being lied to.

So if you're looking for someone to sugar coat, and lie to you, do not come to me with questions or advice. Bc Imma tell you straight up. I'm not going to lie to you.

& if "God isn't your thing", I respect that. I do. And I'll keep showing you love, probably even more love, because that's what He's taught me to do. 

And if you feel I talk about God too much, I'm sorry you feel that way. But I gotta keep preaching and loving bc again, that's what He taught me to do.

My boy Jesus literally said "I will make you fishers of men" and when making disciples, there's no sugar coating anyything. 

That's what majority of churches nowadays do, sugar coat. That's why we're okay with just going on Sunday & not facing our truths any other day.

But I'm not here to talk about the church. Because Jesus loves his wife. And the true church will make it to the kingdom. 

The only question is, will you?

Only the pure hearted go. And honestly, I'm still unsure completely what this means. But I know you can never go wrong with freeing your mind & loving people no matter what. 

Always show love. Love created us. Love saved us. Love is what makes us human. We live off of love. 

And after all this. What I've learned most is that it isn't about religion. Never has been.

But it's about showing LOVE. 

never holding grudges

Always forgiving

Treating others the way I wanna be treated 

And showing unconditional love as much as possible to all those I come in contact with 

And love doesn't lie.

So never believe "I didn't tell you because I love you." 

No. If I lied to you, that's not a sign of love. So when I talk about Jesus, don't take it as me judging you. Because it's not on me to judge you. It's on me to love you.! 

All I care about is that you feel the love I'm showing you. I don't care how you're living your life. I won't judge you for your sins, or mistakes. 

We all make mistakes. Your sin is no bigger than mine, and mine is no smaller than yours. We just all have to make the efforts to love people, and love God. And it changes our lives so immensely you won't even recognize yourself within a couple weeks. 

Im not gonna lie to you. And if you think your truth is different than my truth, I understand that. But love is inevitable. Love is a universal truth. 

When you really love someone you just wanna talk about them all the time! You wanna let the world know how they make you feel!!

And man, do I love my God. 

And man, do I feel loved by Him. 

And because I love you. I want you to feel loved too. 

Regardless off all the pain I've ever gone through, any hardship or heartache, I've seen how each occurrence made me who I am today. Regardless of how I use to curse God's name. I know he just had the better plan all along. 

I'm going to use my 1st amendment right and speak the beautiful and marvelous mind that God gave me. 

There's truth in love. Love never lies. So don't come to me expecting me to lie to you. 

Now run and tell that. 

                                         Khadijah Evans

24. World Is Empty

Pain is not to be measured on a scale

It is not to be analyzed

Or weighed

On a beam of balance

trying to figure out how they may still manage

After alla that damage

Because what's painful to me may be so sweet to you

And what really hurts you I may be longing to do 

So to understand pain

And a poet

And a person

So insane

Involves truth

Running to the light

Rather than avoiding

In fright 

Of judgment 

Moves similar to a serpent

Unplugged from the most thought virtue

And I'm not saying I ain't there right next to you 

I'm a glutton

And prideful

And sad

And have insanity 

If only y'all knew what all goes through my mind mentally

Trapped in this mansion

Opening doors 

Forgetting to answer the knock at the front

And it is my fault

I'll admit that

I take full responsibility

I understand I'm crazy 

So I know why I always wonder 

How could anyone love me

Being saved doesn't take the pain away

It just gives me so much more hope for another day

It drowns out the noise

Distracting me from toys

And gives me a joy 

Burning so much in my heart

It's intimidating to others

I guess

I don't know

And I'm not gonna try to understand

There's not much I know

In fact I only know one thing

And that's that Jesus saved me

So I can act on this 1st right and use my freedom of speech 

So why wouldn't I make use of it?

Why would I sit back and watch you lose it?

Trying to live till infinity

Trying to find things to talk about other than the G

Trying not to come off as forceful

Trying not to be mean

But 

Trying isn't helping 

Because when I try to live through me 

I fail everyday of the week

That's when I ask for Galatians 2:20

Live through me 

Love through me

World please reject me!

Oh please do 

Please tell me I'm not fit for you 

Cuz I ain't tryna be here anyways

I been thinkin bout the next place for about a thousand days 

Yea I'm telling y'all 

Though I may feel lonely toward earth

Y'all forget my name 

Y'all forget what I go by?

Y'all forget this ain't all for show?

And that this means something

This is all real life

And so true 

So as I continue on this earth I roam

I just gotta constantly remember 

this place is not my home 

23. Night Job

As I was taking a test this morning for my English Literature class, I realized many things. I stayed up all night studying for this test then even woke up early to study even more. I got to class and began my test. As I was taking this test I realized that nothing I learned while studying was even on the test. The knowledge I gained, and intelligence I have, was not what was being tested. But my test taking skills were being tested. With multiple choice answers being "a & b", "b & c", "all of the above" and/or "none of the above", I realized that this test was draining me. I learned so much while studying, yet I couldn't explain on the test what I knew because all that was being asked were all trick questions. It was then that I quickly finished as best I could, then got up and walked out of the class as I thought "this test does not define my intelligence!"

So what is intelligence? What is knowledge? Does a degree prove intelligence? What are the benefits of an education? Does 4.0 GPA really mean you're going to be successful in life? Do any of these things guarantee you won't have to have a night job one day?

This blog is being written with the job I'm applying for in mind. And as I began to apply, I realize that nothing the professors teach me about T.S. Elliot will prove how smart I really am. But how I take what they teach me and how I apply it, to any aspect of my life, is what makes me smart... because any knowledge is useful knowledge, depending on your perspective.

So sitting in what seems like a useless classroom can teach you a lot. There are 3 main things you can learn in the classroom that have nothing to do with the message the professor is actually trying to convey.

1. You can learn about the way people communicate. If you pay attention to your professor. Without even realizing it, you may be analyzing the way they communicate. They may be standing, pacing back and forth, or sitting in a chair. And while they are talking, you may even find yourself not listening to what they say, but how they say it. The most successful professors communicate in a way that the students hear what is being said, and not how they are saying it. Unsuccessful professors speak where you are more focused on the professor themselves, rather than what is being said.

2. You can learn about yourself. After you hear or do not hear what the professor is saying, you can think to yourself "Am I really meant to be in this class." The average college student in bound to change their major at least once in their lifetime, and while being in a class that you may think is useless you may actually learn something. You learn that you do not like this class. You can learn that you love it. But most of all, you can learn that what you're actually learning in the class has nothing to do with what you're going to need to know in this lifetime.

3. You can the truthful reality of life. We learn through experiences. We learn through interactions with people and we love recalling on the past good (and bad) times we've had. When we listen to others, we also learn of theirs and incorporate that knowledge with ours. It's so true that you can learn in class, you will learn, whether you like it or not. But, there's only one truth that matters when you die. Whether you know this truth, and how you apply it is the sole base of life. This... you can take and interpret in your own way.

22. January 28

An ode to jcole

A lot of times I forget why when or how you even became my favorite rapper

I didn't even listen to mixtapes before you honestly

when I just turned 16

2011 to be pristine 

Lightskinnded dude from up where you went to school

"Have you heard Unabomber?"

By this guy named JCole

It was right after workout dropped

Ashamed to say I didn't find you sooner

He told me to listen to premeditated murder and how high

I was like yo this dudes kinda tight

All the while I was going through stuff with my moms and life

So I admit I was depressed

Then I let you come in my life

And kinda dress up my mess

Because for 16 years I left the laundry out without cleaning

I felt as if it had no meaning

I listened to lost ones for the first time

And learned all the words by the end of the day

Downloaded the come up 

The warm up

And sideline story 

Because I felt we could relate

'Light skinnded so the house brothas feel us'

I too had a single mom growing up

'We grew up in a struggle and sometimes we had less'

But compared to you my man

I never realized how much we were blessed

Dreams of being a rapper

So 'I hung your words on my wall

My friends thought it was words

But it was pictures I saw'

I drew your face as I cried listening to 2face

Now I can never tell you why 

But roll call always spoke to me

Maybe because you too helped change my life story

You really helped save my soul

When I was 17 years old I had serious thoughts of 'climbing heavens stairwell'

And saying farewell way ahead of my time

Because I was 'living my whole life backwards'

I moved out my moms house & in w my dad

I was daddy's little girl

turned into that triple double

That time was so hard for me

And you were all I had

I don't know why but I felt you understood me

From what you were writing in your songs

When I had that pity life

I drifted away and put em on

I would go home everyday from school and just cry 

To help me get away

Playing your songs out loud gave me a sign

I can't explain it but jermaine you changed my life

This was before Forest Hills Drive

Before Born Sinner

And before I ever dreamed of seeing you live

This was while I was a lost one

I had no God, just religion & only you in my life

You took up my Twitter

It read "Dear Lord can I live" 

Knowing good and well want to I didn't

This is something I've never told

To a single soul

And Somehow you kept me sane 

All I really had was a dollar and dream

Because my entire life revolved around lack of money

Why couldn't I get J's to impress the dude I liked

And I was stuck walking everywhere

Without even a bike

When rich niggaz came out

I'd run down the sidewalk 

Blastin it on repeat

Mad at the world and the rich

Because My family had to really work to eat even just sandwiches 

I had so much envy 

Only now do I see how it was so ugly

Years later

When I went through my first heartache

Swear I had on nothing lasts forever

And Love me not on repeat for days

Yet I still had a hole somehow

cuz you didn't quite fill it

And though I don't feel as close to you now

I thank you for my heart because you helped to heal it

Summer 2013 when you did your first dollar and a dream

I was 17 then and planned to go to Houston

I hadn't ever seen you but in my dreams

My aunt said she would drive me those 4 hours at 4 am

But when my eyes opened

She bailed on me

I thought about goin off on her but

I just stayed awake and cried for 7 hours 

And that's when I realized I might have been obsessed

Not quite a Stan

But I was still depressed

Because your music was keeping me sane 

throughout all of highschool

In art I recreated your face on like 5 different projects dude

Wrote 'will I drop 

I think not

Tryna show them how to stay hot'

Yet a downward spiral I began to spin

They'd ask me to get Higher

And 'no I don't smoke but maybe once in a blue'

Allow this to be my Interlude

So for two entire years I kept you right by my side

And you were there for a reason I know

I wasn't from down in Hampton 

But your song was the reason I stayed a cancer

July 10th came and 2 years in a row we made the hashtag 

#HelpDiaGetaMentionFromCole

Which is when I learned 

If I got myself off of Twitter 

I could be somebody

I replaced your songs with the living word

Glad to say when I turned 18

I no longer needed you

Because I found another JC

I no longer said 'cole the God'

But Cole if it weren't for You

He may have never seen me

summer that my life changed

God asked me if I was ready for it

I looked around at all his nice things

Told him savior you already know it 

I gave my life to Him

And felt myself listening to you less and less

But check out my blog is still mentions you tho

Now corpus when I do come home

They Holla who dat

Cuz I'm so unrecognizable

now I can't cry

And can't get enough of the lord up top without a stop watch for me

No more idols

No more role modelz 

I'll do anything to make Heaven my home

If to have Christ meant having an eternal soul

Jermaine I still love you, but

I would most definitely give up Cole

I went off to school

Said I'd be home for the holidays

Now it wasn't St. John's

But dude basketball I did play like you 

Kinda Far from home and no one ever makes it out the city I'm from

Now it's no ville

But sorry corpus is full of a lot of bums

And I couldn't do that 

I had to follow my dreams like you told me to 

when I finally saw you in concert the following April I knew it was not past due

It was all God

Thanks to 5 different dudes!

That was truly a dream come true!

Then I got to see you in Baton Rouge

This past March 

Got out there at 11 o'clock and waited until 8

Front row right in front of the stage 

Bas sweat was dripping on my face

Then you came out and I couldn't believe how close I really was

You signed my dollar

And took the hobo sweater I gave you

We even made eye contact a few times too

But that's in the past

now it's not the same when I see you 

cuz i don't really care about your music

I care about you as an individual

Never even having met you

I know you're so genuine

And real

And I just want to have a conversation with you so I can tell you how I feel

And my past

And how I've 'seen heaven seen hell'

How I now tell people

'Believe in God up in the sky

Science can tell us how but can't tell us why'

They say I've grown and 'congratulate me

I just tell em God is good'

I feel like you're my friend

As crazy as I may sound 

I still have 2 posters of you on my wall

2 paintings too 

The dollar you signed

2 DREAMVILLE hoodies

My phone case

And a born sinner shirt too 

And though you are no longer my God

You did help me learn love

And now I see you changing lives

Like you did mine almost 5 years ago

showing the currently hurt that there is no such thing as a life that's better than theirs

I now love my life

I love my Christ

I 'keep my faith strong'

And when times get hard now

'I ask for strength from the lord up above'

So jermaine

Thank you for being around

Thank you for helping me when you did

Now I see you change so many other lives

As you did mine

Thank you for making music for the soul

Thank you for being diverse

Thank you for being the most stable long distance relationship I've ever had

Thank you for not knowing you're my friend and still being it

Thank you for making relatable music

Thank you for being you

And I thank God

Because what dreams may come

Will eventually come true

I'll meet you soon

I pray someday you hear this poem I wrote for you 

Because 'This is MY canvas'

Peace