28. Dreams

The hardest part about the grind 

Is that you always missing so much time

Spending what you can't make back

On things so your fam can lay back

Drive a maybach

But what would they really rather have?

Is it your pulse within their reach?

Or that life within their grasp?

As I'm off at school

Trying to make a life

Working 2 jobs

Painting and studying, plus I hoop

That's why I never sleep at night 

Cuz while I'm in Tyler 

My baby brother just learned how to ride a bike

While I was home studying

My little sisters turned to the knife 

As I play my last basketball game junior year

My cousins at home living in fear

And i fear they'll never make it out 

But ain't that why I left the house?

Ain't that why I fled?

So I could give them all my bread?

Yet I have kin passing right and left

Which really has me trippin

Is this money school successful life really for me?

Cuz I say I'm doing it for them

But by the time I make it

Who will I be?

I won't even know them anymore

Because I spent so much time out the door

Which really has me thinking

What am I really working for?

And this will conclude disc 1.

27. I'm a Fool

Last Call Part 2

Yes it makes you prideful 

And arrogant 

And self centered 

You spent so much time trying to love you 

Now that you do 

You won't let her

Be your friend 

Or him

Or her

You're too busy doing YOU things

trying to make yourself better

And yes it is prideful 

That you've hurt so many people in your life

But as long as your happy

None of that even matters

Because the knife you used

You've thrown it away in to the lake

Blood dripping from your hands

And you can wash that off

But girl 

That scar in they back is still there even today

You can say you're sorry

And try to put that bandaid over the shattered glass

But none of that will ever matter if you never kiss their

Ask me what I really think is right 

Ask when the devil come in my ear

What Imma Say 

And it's "Screw that"

They're more important than me

I'm happy regardless of what's to be

So I'm more worried about you

And your sanity

I'm worried about taking away my vanity

Because during my first 18 years of living

And probably some even there after

I've hurt so many gosh darn people

I dont see how I even still matter

Because the bad always outweighs the good

And the good is hardly remembered 

By those you hurt that one time

But if you're around anyone long enough

They'll eventually hurt you too

That's why I try to stay to myself as much as possible

Because I know that's what I'll do

I know I hurt you

When I rubbed your tummy and said you'd never lose that

I know I hurt you 

When I physically punched your face then your heart and was ahead of the race

Leaving you behind me 

I know I hurt you 

When I let him lay in my bed

And the fact of the matter is

You never even had that truth in your head

I know I hurt you

When I stole your innocence right out of your hands

And dammit I'm sorry 

Those things were never in my plans

I'd been fighting this lion with my bare hands and I actually believed I had a good chance of winning 

I was lost and torn made mistakes since the day I was born 

And I hate the Dia I use to be

I hated her

And I know you hated me

I wanted and still wanna be so much more

And I'm so sorry

To any and every one I've ever hurt

Made sad

Made mad

Cry 

Disappointed

Neglected or left

I'm starting all over in my life today

And I pray this isn't a waste of breath

Id spend years and write an individual letter pressing my heart for ink & my hand going until it bleeds sanity

to each of you

I swear

But it'd be close to infinity

So I'm just gonna leave this right here

Because you know who I'm talking to 

I'm sorry to you 

everyone I've ever made question 

Who

Why'd I ever look up to you 

So please don't put me on a pedestal

Cuz I know better

And I'm still a fool

Joy revolves around forgiveness

And Ive forgiven

Now I just pray you can forgive me, my pride, and my past life too 

26. Last Call

Do it make me prideful?

Is it pride making me hide my love on the inside

Hidden because 

It hasn't been shown to you in years

Though you may have felt it

And I prolly did show it

But I am in denial 

Do it make me prideful?

That I still love you 

Like cake straight out the oven

Burning for your loving

Missing the kissing and huggin

And mostly just the sense of loving

Do it make me prideful?

That I won't pick up the phone

To tell you I'm home alone

And tell you I just wanna see your face

Hear your voice

State my case

Because never have I ever been perfect 

Which is why I'm dealing with this deadly sin at this very moment

While my heart is still hurting

Because I stole your innocence

And I stole your love 

Because I know it was real!

But we were just kids man

We didn't know that's what we were suppose to feel!

And lord knows Ill never forget you 

Lord knows I'm so glad I met you

But lord knows whether or not I'm suppose to come back and get you

So do it make me prideful?

That I'm loving myself now more than I ever loved you?

And lord knows that was a lot

Like pac said

That rose grew up from under the rock

Bc I'm sure you ain't know what love was either

With this Dom k beat in my head

Singing gold alpinas

You swagged out ya gold out penis

To many you never even loved

And I still don't even care

I'm just saying no now

Because

Do it make me prideful?

That I won't show you my heart?

That I won't pick up the phone?

To tell you that I've been in town

And your streets are all I roam