Thursday, June 16, 2016

28. Dreams

The hardest part about the grind 
Is that you always missing so much time
Spending what you can't make back
On things so your fam can lay back
Drive a maybach
But what would they really rather have?
Is it your pulse within their reach?
Or that life within their grasp?
As I'm off at school
Trying to make a life
Working 2 jobs
Painting and studying, plus I hoop

That's why I never sleep at night 

Cuz while I'm in Tyler 
My baby brother just learned how to ride a bike
While I was home studying
My little sisters turned to the knife 
As I play my last basketball game junior year
My cousins at home living in fear
And i fear they'll never make it out 
But ain't that why I left the house?
Ain't that why I fled?
So I could give them all my bread?
Yet I have kin passing right and left
Which really has me trippin
Is this money school successful life really for me?
Cuz I say I'm doing it for them
But by the time I make it
Who will I be?
I won't even know them anymore
Because I spent so much time out the door
Which really has me thinking
What am I really working for?


And this will conclude disc 1.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

27. I'm a Fool

Last Call Part 2


Yes it makes you prideful 

And arrogant 
And self centered 
You spent so much time trying to love you 
Now that you do 
You won't let her
Be your friend 
Or him
Or her

You're too busy doing YOU things
trying to make yourself better

And yes it is prideful 
That you've hurt so many people in your life

But as long as your happy
None of that even matters
Because the knife you used
You've thrown it away in to the lake
Blood dripping from your hands
And you can wash that off
But girl 
That scar in they back is still there even today

You can say you're sorry
And try to put that bandaid over the shattered glass
But none of that will ever matter if you never kiss their

Ask me what I really think is right 
Ask when the devil come in my ear
What Imma Say 
And it's "Screw that"
They're more important than me
I'm happy regardless of what's to be
So I'm more worried about you
And your sanity

I'm worried about taking away my vanity
Because during my first 18 years of living
And probably some even there after
I've hurt so many gosh darn people
I dont see how I even still matter
Because the bad always outweighs the good
And the good is hardly remembered 
By those you hurt that one time


But if you're around anyone long enough
They'll eventually hurt you too
That's why I try to stay to myself as much as possible
Because I know that's what I'll do



I know I hurt you
When I rubbed your tummy and said you'd never lose that

I know I hurt you 
When I physically punched your face then your heart and was ahead of the race
Leaving you behind me 

I know I hurt you 
When I let him lay in my bed
And the fact of the matter is
You never even had that truth in your head

I know I hurt you
When I stole your innocence right out of your hands
And dammit I'm sorry 
Those things were never in my plans

I'd been fighting this lion with my bare hands and I actually believed I had a good chance of winning 
I was lost and torn made mistakes since the day I was born 

And I hate the Dia I use to be
I hated her
And I know you hated me
I wanted and still wanna be so much more

And I'm so sorry
To any and every one I've ever hurt
Made sad
Made mad
Cry 
Disappointed
Neglected or left

I'm starting all over in my life today
And I pray this isn't a waste of breath

Id spend years and write an individual letter pressing my heart for ink & my hand going until it bleeds sanity
to each of you
I swear
But it'd be close to infinity
So I'm just gonna leave this right here

Because you know who I'm talking to 
I'm sorry to you 

everyone I've ever made question 
Who
Why'd I ever look up to you 

So please don't put me on a pedestal
Cuz I know better

And I'm still a fool

Joy revolves around forgiveness
And Ive forgiven
Now I just pray you can forgive me, my pride, and my past life too 

Sunday, June 5, 2016

26. Last Call

Do it make me prideful?
Is it pride making me hide my love on the inside
Hidden because 
It hasn't been shown to you in years
Though you may have felt it
And I prolly did show it
But I am in denial 

Do it make me prideful?
That I still love you 
Like cake straight out the oven
Burning for your loving
Missing the kissing and huggin
And mostly just the sense of loving

Do it make me prideful?
That I won't pick up the phone
To tell you I'm home alone
And tell you I just wanna see your face
Hear your voice
State my case
Because never have I ever been perfect 
Which is why I'm dealing with this deadly sin at this very moment
While my heart is still hurting
Because I stole your innocence
And I stole your love 
Because I know it was real!
But we were just kids man
We didn't know that's what we were suppose to feel!
And lord knows Ill never forget you 
Lord knows I'm so glad I met you
But lord knows whether or not I'm suppose to come back and get you

So do it make me prideful?
That I'm loving myself now more than I ever loved you?
And lord knows that was a lot
Like pac said
That rose grew up from under the rock
Bc I'm sure you ain't know what love was either
With this Dom k beat in my head
Singing gold alpinas
You swagged out ya gold out penis
To many you never even loved
And I still don't even care
I'm just saying no now
Because

Do it make me prideful?
That I won't show you my heart?
That I won't pick up the phone?
To tell you that I've been in town
And your streets are all I roam